Verbal abuse

I think i was about 8 years when i became self conscious. i was living with mother and step father then and it was really bad.step father never like me ,he felt i was interfering in his marriage with mother and should be sent to my father.the father who never wanted me as he had enough kids already.and the mother who told me to endure as i had nowhere to go and she wanted to save her marriage.

‘stupid girl’

‘ugly bitch’

‘you are just worthless’       was constantly the abusive words my step dad will use on me.and mother  will just be staring or most times ignore ,not coming to my defense. i was a broken girl .on Christmas when i wear new clothes like the other children and  felt beautiful he will say bluntly

‘what do you think you are wearing’

‘nothing looks good on you’.

growing up was a struggle as i was always made to feel i never do anything right.i was struggling with my weight which he nicknamed me’ football’ and with my short height it was one bad compliment after the other. my mind and emotions accepted that i was really not good enough and ugly.i cant count the number of times i was contemplating suicide; ‘the rat poison under the table’,or ‘the rope laying in  the box’ but something just kept me going.

i was always the girl indoors who didn’t want to socialize with no friends as i felt inferior to them.even in my nicest dress i always felt it was a rag.never been the leader but hiding and shielding myself at the back battling with the words that had been fed into my brain.i remember looking at myself constantly in the mirror when no one was around and ask why i wasn’t pretty like the girl down the street and smart like the  girl next door . turning 18 i thought i will overcome it but the words stabbed even harder than growing up.i started dating then and when he got to know through my step sibling he said

‘which fool of a guy liked this stupid ugly thing?’even at my age i wouldn’t find you attractive’

those words stuck and still hurts through all the steps  i take  in life and still hinder me.

after school when i got a job in a company as a secretary and i came home to break the news to mother he burst out into laughter ‘which company in their right sense will hire you as their secretary’

that when after two years of working i was laid off due to decline in profits he was there to say

‘i always said you were never good enough and you boss finally learnt to be sensible’.it went on and on but mother never said nothing as usual.always with the endure line.sometimes for some reason when i annoy her too she says the same hurtful words to me to the amusement of step father.’

ugly girl’

‘you look just like an animal’..

So then i knew it was really true.which mother says that to a child she bore?.

Years have passed and i am living independently at my age now those words still hunt me and i still feel i am not good enough.no matter the compliments i receive i find it as a source of mockery or the person was trying to be nice.even in the most nicest clothes i still feel inferior.it had slowly built up my introvert behavior,where i avoid public places and feel indoors is my comfort zone .sometimes i ask ,why i never feel confident like other girls,but i have been emotionally bruised and abused for twenty years of my life how then can  build up confidence.

Even though i dont live with mother and step father anymore, anytime i dress up to go out all i hear is his laughter in my head ‘ugly bitch ‘!.

 

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12 Comments

  1. Opera Winfrey taught us we must survive and thrive despite all stupid people around us.
    The person who abuses another person verbally or emotionally just demonstrates her sense of inferiority.

  2. Wow never knew you went tru all dis when growing up..all those tins he said made u pushed harder.keep it up girlfriend..they the reason why u shining today and ohh u always look charming to me always..

  3. Wow never knew all this about u.those people were just there to make u push harder and become what you are today..keep it up girlfriend.and ohh u always beautiful af..

  4. I don’t know what to say.. but you’re a survivor Nana, and you must love yourself. You have survived and thrived and reached a stage of life where you’re so successful. Be proud of that <3

  5. Remake the tape that plays in your head of the negative things that were said to you. I had to to therapy for this but I now can hear my therapist voice saying positive things. My own mother used to look at me And say “even monkeys are cute” this statement, her voice haunted me for over 40 years… through therapy and medication I don’t hear her anymore.. I hear me and I hear others positive things and what’s more I’m believing most of it. Yes I still struggle in ways… but no where near the way I used to struggle. I wish you peace… and please know you are valuable, beautiful and enough just as your are. 😊❤️

    1. thanks dear.you know i woke up this morning in one of my down emotions and reading your message made me feel better.you are amazing and beautiful.

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