I think i was about 8 years when i became self conscious. i was living with mother and step father then and it was really bad.step father never like me ,he felt i was interfering in his marriage with mother and should be sent to my father.the father who never wanted me as he had enough kids already.and the mother who told me to endure as i had nowhere to go and she wanted to save her marriage.
‘you are just worthless’ was constantly the abusive words my step dad will use on me.and mother will just be staring or most times ignore ,not coming to my defense. i was a broken girl .on Christmas when i wear new clothes like the other children and felt beautiful he will say bluntly
‘what do you think you are wearing’
‘nothing looks good on you’.
growing up was a struggle as i was always made to feel i never do anything right.i was struggling with my weight which he nicknamed me’ football’ and with my short height it was one bad compliment after the other. my mind and emotions accepted that i was really not good enough and ugly.i cant count the number of times i was contemplating suicide; ‘the rat poison under the table’,or ‘the rope laying in the box’ but something just kept me going.
i was always the girl indoors who didn’t want to socialize with no friends as i felt inferior to them.even in my nicest dress i always felt it was a rag.never been the leader but hiding and shielding myself at the back battling with the words that had been fed into my brain.i remember looking at myself constantly in the mirror when no one was around and ask why i wasn’t pretty like the girl down the street and smart like the girl next door . turning 18 i thought i will overcome it but the words stabbed even harder than growing up.i started dating then and when he got to know through my step sibling he said
‘which fool of a guy liked this stupid ugly thing?’even at my age i wouldn’t find you attractive’
those words stuck and still hurts through all the steps i take in life and still hinder me.
after school when i got a job in a company as a secretary and i came home to break the news to mother he burst out into laughter ‘which company in their right sense will hire you as their secretary’
that when after two years of working i was laid off due to decline in profits he was there to say
‘i always said you were never good enough and you boss finally learnt to be sensible’.it went on and on but mother never said nothing as usual.always with the endure line.sometimes for some reason when i annoy her too she says the same hurtful words to me to the amusement of step father.’
‘you look just like an animal’..
So then i knew it was really true.which mother says that to a child she bore?.
Years have passed and i am living independently at my age now those words still hunt me and i still feel i am not good enough.no matter the compliments i receive i find it as a source of mockery or the person was trying to be nice.even in the most nicest clothes i still feel inferior.it had slowly built up my introvert behavior,where i avoid public places and feel indoors is my comfort zone .sometimes i ask ,why i never feel confident like other girls,but i have been emotionally bruised and abused for twenty years of my life how then can build up confidence.
Even though i dont live with mother and step father anymore, anytime i dress up to go out all i hear is his laughter in my head ‘ugly bitch ‘!.
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