I remember most times staring at myself in the mirror and not happy at the reflection staring back at me. The stretch marks, the side rolls the kinky African hair the size 8 full-figured body, the huge thighs that rub together and being disgusted at myself simply because the media and society have a standard of beauty and I see myself not close to it as i am not size zero with no flat tummy neither do i have abs.
I have gone through countless of weight loss regimes to lose the weight and be the magazine 21st century ideal beauty. I have added relaxers to my hair to make it straight and silky like the Caucasian woman to wearing of corsets which makes my back hurt to the using of every medicine on the counter to treat my stretch marks and not wearing revealing clothes cause really I did think about what people say. I was never comfortable with the size of my boobs neither was i with my body size i always said to myself i wasn't beautiful, i think that notion of not been beautiful contributed to my introvert nature and not being a fond of public places.
Frankly I hated myself from my 5ft height down to the tip of my size 36 feet. I always had something negative to say about myself from why is my feet so small to how is my stomach never flat like the Instagram beauties. I was that person who really cared about what people will say. I always doubted myself that when someone said i was beautiful i keep asking if it was a form of flattery as i never considered myself to be beautiful. When i walk down the streets and hear people laughing i thought they were laughing at me and when they stare i get really embarrassed. When i post a picture on my Instagram even with all the filters i would apply i will still feel inferior when i scroll down my timeline and see other ladies perfect bodies and beautiful faces.
I knew I was doing a harm to myself that as such a young age i was not experiencing the life i am supposed to live because of my insecurities and i knew i had to work on it but didn't know where to start from. I remember when i had to cut all my relaxed hair in Dubai cause i had an infection from a relaxer, i would always wear wig caps to cover my hair cause to me i felt it wasn't to the level of beauty. Even when it grew in length i still wore extensions till i started experiencing this headaches and discomfort when i wear those extensions then i started rocking my natural hair more. I have grown to love my hair and i kept asking myself why don't love myself as much as i love my hair but i never had answer to that question.
I woke up one morning going through my Instagram feed and saw this plus size lady not giving a care about her size and living life, it was like a wake up call to me to love me for me and be my own kind of beautiful as everyone is unique in their own way. I still live a healthy lifestyle not because I want to lose that weight so much but just because its good to be healthy. I don't look at the number on the scale no more neither do i exclaim when i that jeans i want isn't my size because i got a huge thighs. And no i dont suck in anymore to take those pictures. I am beautiful as i am
I am proud today to say i love me more and i know i am beautiful inside out in my own special way. Yeah i have stretch marks, yeah my thighs rub together, yeah i got them big lips, and yeah i got the kinky hair but you know what i am beautiful.
Today am posting a picture to appreciate who i am as a person and being MY OWN KIND OF BEAUTIFUL. cause you know what, no matter what people gonna judge and self-love is the best therapy for yourself esteem.
Do you have low self esteem? how did you deal with it? Let me know in comments down below.
Until then the wolf is out to loving herself…….